Ryder Read online

  The commander studied him intently.

  “Caitlyn is dating Mac.”

  “Are you okay with that?”

  Ryder nodded. “I am.”

  “Good. Make sure you are. I don’t want anything to come between our team members.”

  Inside Ryder was angry at the inference he’d be less than professional over a female. Sure it was the woman he loved, but she wasn’t his. Whether he liked it or not, he had no choice in the matter. “That won’t happen, sir.”

  The commander nodded. “Dismissed.”

  Ryder spun on his heels and headed out.

  Corey waited for him. “Did I hear that right?” Corey asked in a low voice.

  Ryder gave a clipped nod. Corey shouldn’t have heard anything, but, on a base like this, sounds carried.

  “Jesus, I’m sorry, man.”

  Ryder gave a shrug. “Nothing I can do about it.” The trouble was, he loved Caitlyn, but he’d lost her. Of course she’d found somebody else. He headed to the medical tent, hoping an update on Mac had been shared with the base. Macklin was a good man. If Caitlyn was happy with him, it didn’t matter one bit how Ryder felt about it. She’d made her decision two years earlier, and Ryder had to live with it.

  He stopped at the tent, cleared his throat. The medics turned and looked at him. A small blonde stood with her back to him. He frowned at the familiar profile, his heart slamming against his ribs. Why wasn’t she at the main base hospital outside Baghdad with Mac? “Caitlyn?”

  She turned.

  He stared in confusion at her and then backed up one step toward where the helicopters sat. “What are you doing here?”

  She shrugged. “I’m a military nurse, remember? I have another few weeks in my tour.”

  “And Mac?” he asked hazily.

  She frowned. “Mac’s a good man.”

  He felt the shock of surprise go through him. “Of course he is. I just helped save his sorry ass. I came for an update.”

  A businesslike look came over her expression. “He’ll make it. But he’s got a tough few days ahead. Depending on the damage he could be off for months of physical therapy.”

  “Why aren’t you with him?”

  “Because I’m working.”

  “He’s your partner. You would get leave to be at his side.”

  She gave Ryder a long hard look. “He’s my friend. He’d expect me to do nothing less than stay here and look after the rest of you.”

  Unfortunately that was all too possible. Still Ryder felt bad. Macklin shouldn’t be alone.

  Everyone needed someone.

  Even Ryder.

  *

  Caitlyn watched as the only man she’d ever loved exited the tent—obviously frustrated, with anger and concern on his face. She’d barely seen him since their infamous weekend—which had about torn her apart. She regretted only one thing in her life, and that was not setting things straight with Ryder earlier. And in all this time she hadn’t found a way to put it right. “Ryder, Mac will be okay.”

  Ryder retreated as fast as he could.

  She watched until he disappeared from sight. Even though little love was lost between the two men, they were teammates. They would still be concerned about each other. She hated that she’d come between them. She hadn’t intended to. Mac knew some of what had gone down between Ryder and her, and Mac had been there to help, hoping she’d patch things up. But she’d refused to answer Ryder’s many initial attempts to contact her because she wasn’t in a mental state to do so.

  After he stopped calling, and she took over reaching out, she’d turn mute on the phone once Ryder answered and would hang up in exasperation. This went on for months. Followed by her stalking Ryder phase. Which hadn’t led to any communication between the two of them either. When Ryder had seen her with Mac, that had been it. Ryder had walked away from her at the barbecue without giving her a chance to say a word to him. And that was the only reason she’d gone to the party—because Mac had told her that Ryder would be there.

  Now she realized it hadn’t been the best decision. Of course Ryder would’ve taken things out of context and would have believed she was with Mac. She’d seen the anger on his face—the hurt. Mac and Ryder had been good friends, until Ryder had seen her with Mac at the barbecue. Mac said things had changed after that. Not in a major way but, if Mac joined them while they were hanging out, Ryder would inevitably find an excuse to leave. Or, if they arrived at the gym at the same time, Ryder would head in the opposite direction. Subtle changes but obvious ones to Mac.

  She knew Ryder’s walls would be higher, bigger and stronger after the barbecue. Another event she had to make up for. She had to get him past all that history in order for him to understand that Mac was her friend, not her lover.

  She stared down at her hands, wondering at the foolishness of her actions. She’d specifically asked to come overseas—hoping on the off chance Ryder would show up wherever she was posted. That she’d see him, talk to him.

  Afterward, she realized she had to talk to Ryder face-to-face, so she’d stalked him for months. Mac had caught her midstalking and finally wrangled the truth from her. She’d felt like a fool. Mac had alternated between angry and horrified. She remembered his words clearly.

  “Well, I’ll be damned. As much as I’d love to know a woman cared enough to track me down, stalking is damn creepy,” he said.

  And that’s when she’d stopped. Mac was right. She wanted to apologize to Ryder for being too scared early on to discuss what making love had done to their decades-long best-friends-only friendship. Hence the barbecue and her overseas assignments.

  Yet, why hadn’t she said something now? Why did she keep avoiding this? She stood outside the medic tent to detect the direction he’d gone.

  She could’ve gone into the private medical sector and made a killing, but here she served her country, putting herself in danger every day. Mostly as a punishment.

  And for a chance to see Ryder. As she turned, somebody stepped up and blocked her way. She glared up at Corey. “What’s your problem?”

  He thrust his face toward hers. “Leave Ryder alone. You’ve done enough harm already.” On that note Corey spun on his heels and stormed off.

  Inside she broke a little more. She hadn’t wanted to hurt Ryder but knew she had. His declaration of love—after twenty platonic years as best friends—had been like a bomb of awareness going off inside that had confused and devastated her to the point she no longer knew what was real and what wasn’t. Like an injured animal, she’d hidden away, trying to find a new normal in a world gone awry.

  It was foolish to say she was just young and immature. Ryder had always been there on the sidelines, watching, friendly and supportive.

  He’d been at her graduation, her wedding. He’d been her best friend, but she’d been sure he wasn’t the one. If there was one thing she could count on, it was that he was her best friend. Forever. And he would never be the love of her life.

  She found out the hard way how wrong she’d been.

  That weekend she lost her longtime best friend … and her newest lover.

  She didn’t remember how they had ended up in bed that night and stayed there for the entire weekend. Might have been the wine, but neither of them drank much. Ever. Might have been her devastation mixed with joy over her divorce. She’d been a mess at the time, finding George’s complaints about their marriage so off base. Was there anything more confusing than a major breakup? First there’d been George. Then no George. And through it all there had been Ryder. The mainstay of her life—until that weekend. The sex had been phenomenal, overwhelmingly hot, passionate, fun, caring. When she woke up after that marathon and saw his face, heard his whispered declaration, her heart wanted to rejoice, but her mind had rejected everything. Her feet had picked up and followed her mind.

  Her heart and mind at war never led to anything good. Look at what happened with George.

  It had taken her months to figure it out because sh
e’d been so busy looking everywhere but inside. Finding out the truth had been shocking and delightful. Followed by her horror as she realized she’d let too much time go by. Ryder’s hurt had gone too deep by now, and life had never been the same after that. Not for Ryder. Not for her either.

  The next few months had been really rough. He had been sent on mission after mission, training after training. Too much distance between them. As if he’d volunteered for every opportunity possible, hoping to get killed. And now she sat in a world she wasn’t terribly comfortable in, or wanted to be in, because this was Ryder’s world and the only way she knew to be a part of his life. Her plan had worked. They were both here in Iraq now. And that was terrifying enough.

  Yet, she didn’t want to mess this up, her attempts to reconcile with Ryder.

  Where was Mac when she needed him? He had proven to be a good friend. He understood her heart lay with Ryder, and Mac had threatened to take Ryder around back and beat the crap out of him until he was willing to listen to her. But she hadn’t wanted that. She also didn’t want Ryder to know she had cried all over Mac’s shoulder. Many times.

  If there was one thing Ryder had, it was pride. She’d taken it and shredded it unintentionally. But, when he put it back together again, it was stronger and thicker and harder than ever before. And she didn’t want to tear it open. Again. She went back inside and checked her watch. Almost 1800 hours. She grabbed her jacket, put it on and headed for the mess tent. She had no patients at this moment, so it was a good time to eat.

  Just then the area to the left of her blew up, and she was tossed to the ground. Coming to after momentarily being knocked out, she bounded to her feet and raced in the direction of the blast. The camp was heavily manned. There would be injuries.

  As she ran, the smoke thickened. She was grabbed from behind, spun around and slammed up against a hard chest. She struggled to get free. “Let me go. Let me go. I have to help.”

  Arms squeezed her tight. “You’ll go in a few minutes, not until the scene is secured.”

  Ryder. She fell limp against his body. Of course it was him. She glanced up, but he wasn’t staring at her. His grim face was locked on the devastation behind her.

  Moments later he let her go, and she raced into the chaos. She could see at least two dead so far, three more injured. It could’ve been much worse. As it was, she mourned the loss of those who died. She knew them both. They were good men and didn’t deserve this. Not for the first time it came home to her just how close she’d been to dying. Another few feet to the side, and she’d have taken a direct hit.

  Chapter 2

  The next four hours passed in a haze. She patched, swabbed and disinfected, then readied patients for transport while the camp disassembled and moved behind the new frontline. The attack had taken them by surprise, and now there was organized chaos. Between the gunfire and the orders coming from every direction, she kept her head down and worked.

  With the last of the patients attended to, she was rushed to the last helicopter. High above, she gazed down at the turmoil below, fervently saying a prayer for Ryder and the others. No way would he retreat from such an attack. The fighting had been brutal. She glanced down at her patient who studied her face. She smiled, reached out and covered his hand with hers. “You’ll be all right, soldier.”

  He smiled too and closed his eyes.

  At the main base, she supervised the transfers of her patients, went through a debriefing and then headed for the showers. Everything hurt from the blast, and her headache, instead of easing, had gotten worse.

  She finished shampooing her hair for the second time, then turned off the water, finding blood mixed in. With a towel wrapped around her hair, she stepped from the shower and dried off. She sat down on the bench with a second towel wrapped about her body and reached up to the back of her neck. Her fingers came away with more blood. She stood up to check in the mirror but couldn’t find the wound hidden in her hairline. A doctor would have to take a closer look.

  She hadn’t told anybody she had lost consciousness at the site. They’d been shorthanded for medics as it was. But the headache she’d ignored up until now started to pound. After getting dressed, she folded some paper towels and held them against where she guessed the wound was.

  One of the doctors stood outside her tent, calling for her, his schedule in his hand. When she approached, he took one look and nodded toward the medical center. He walked beside her. “What happened to you?”

  She gave a quick rundown as he led her into an examining room. Another nurse came. She clipped Caitlyn’s hair at the nape of her neck, then gave her a local anaesthetic. Dr. Carter, according to his name tag, stitched up the cut. “Good timing. I needed to see what your schedule was to put you into the roster. But you’re taking twenty-four hours to rest up, and we’ll see how you are then. Do you have time off coming?”

  “Not sure.” She shrugged. “I’ve only got a few weeks left in my tour as it is. I think I do though.”

  Nothing like a concussion to ensure confusion. By the time she reached her quarters, her thoughts were scrambled as to whether she was due leave or not.

  Feeling unsteady and woozy, she lay down, stretching out with a blanket over her shoulders. She hadn’t even been aware of her injury until the blood flowed in the shower. But now that she knew … She had been given something for the pain but hadn’t even touched it yet.

  With all the confusion, she’d forgotten to ask for an update on Mac. And that made her feel like a crap. She’d gotten so busy with everything that had happened after his exit that she hadn’t had a chance to even think about him.

  She reached up and tentatively winced as her fingers came in contact with the stitches. If she could get a good night’s sleep, she’d be fine in the morning.

  Just as she was about to drop off to sleep, she heard footsteps at the entrance to her eight-bed tent. Still, she hadn’t seen anybody else bunking here since she had arrived. A man called out, “Caitlyn?”

  She froze. “Ryder?” Why was he here? She so wanted to see him but not when she was like this.

  He stepped into the tent, his gaze searching the quarters before zooming toward her. A frown appeared. In several strides, he reached her bedside. “What the hell happened to you? And when?”

  “I can’t remember,” she said. “Maybe flying debris from the blast clipped my head. I don’t know.”

  “How bad?”

  “Just a few stitches. And a mild concussion, so I’m off for the next day.”

  She dropped her gaze, wishing he’d sit down and pull her into his arms. Dangerous thoughts. She just didn’t have the energy to keep her blocks up right now. She had to apologize but feared there was no going back to what they had. That she still loved this guy with the chasm between them made this all so impossible. That he was here, available to talk to, but she wasn’t … not when she was like this, made it worse again.

  “Can I get you anything?”

  She shook her head and then moaned as waves of blackness swam over her eyes. Gasping, she whispered, “No, I’ll be fine. I just need to lie here. Hopefully when I wake up, it will be okay.”

  “Fine, you do that. I’ll come back in a couple hours to check on you.”

  “You don’t have to.” She closed her eyes, sinking deeper into the bedding, hoping he’d leave. Pain still rolled through her like a rocking boat in a terrible storm. She kept waiting for calm weather.

  Her stomach churned alarmingly. She sat upright, shuddering as what little was in her stomach flew up her throat and out her mouth. And into a bucket. She accepted the container from Ryder even as she wondered how he had known. The trouble was, her stomach wasn’t done emptying. Three more heaves and she lay back, gasping in pain.

  “Take it easy.”

  She didn’t have a choice. Obviously her body wasn’t letting her do anything but take it easy. The shivers started next. She pulled the blanket over her shoulders, wishing she could disappear. There was no reaso
n to feel ashamed, but it was hard not to. She groaned. “Go away.”

  “Like hell,” he said good-naturedly. “I get you don’t want anything to do with me, but I’m not leaving you in this condition. Why aren’t you in the clinic?”

  “Not that bad.”

  “Right.” He picked up her hand, wrapping her fingers around a bottle. “Here’s some fresh water if you want to drink.”

  With his help she sat up enough that she could fill her mouth, rinse, then spit. He held the bucket. She repeated the motion several more times, then finished with a long drink of water. She collapsed back down again, holding out the empty bottle to him. “Take this and thanks.”

  “You’re welcome. I’ll bring you another one.”

  She didn’t care what he did just so long as he left her alone. Thankfully she heard his footsteps fade away.

  She drifted in and out, her stomach still queasy, her head still pounding. She didn’t think it was anything serious, wasn’t exactly sure why her stomach had decided to react since she had eaten very little. Now she could get no food down. If only the shivers would stop. She curled into a fetal position with the blankets almost over her head and waited for her body to warm up. She heard his exclamation before she recognized he’d actually returned.

  “That’s enough,” he said. “I’m taking you back to the clinic.”

  “I’m fine,” she said, her teeth chattering so badly it was hard to talk. “They have bigger problems to deal with. I just need to get warm.”

  Instantly, she was shifted gently to one side, and he lay down behind her and tucked her up close. With his arms wrapped around her, his legs pressed up against hers, it was like coming up against a heated blanket. Slowly, ever so slowly, she started to warm up.

  Finally her teeth stopped chattering, and she whispered, “Thank you.”

  He dropped a gentle kiss on her head, bringing tears to her eyes. And he whispered, “No problem. Now go to sleep.”

  Too tired and sore, and still too cold to argue, she let her eyes drift closed and finally fell asleep.